Oh don't you worry about that sound, it was just me face- planting the floor on the District Line. This is the London Underground, probably the best and worst thing about the capital. Rude people - correction - infuriating people, Barbados conditions and cramped carriages. In fact, I would go as far as saying that the District Line should be rebranded as a horse and cart. It goes around 5mph and feels like an apocalyptic earthquake is sweeping the streets of London. I digress - here is my guide of what to expect when you step on the joys of our London tubes.
Awkward Eye Contact
Don't make eye contact with any fellow tube commuter for a duration longer than 2 seconds. No I am not staring at you, nor do I fancy you and I definitely am not up for staring lovingly into your eyes. I am, in fact, squashed against a glass window and you happen to be in my direct line of sight. Sorry to disappoint.
Invasion of Personal Space
I don't even know your name, we've only known each other 35 seconds and are practically chest to chest. Do expect squashed conditions and to be body pressing against a random bloke (or woman). Don't get too excited as it's definitely not as sexy as it sounds - especially when someone has their moist soggy armpit in your face. I do feel like shouting, 'let's slow down, were moving too fast' as someone decides that they would quite like to squash up to me like a magnet.
Frustrated Platform Commuters
The carriage is literally packed and you are sardined between two grumpy 7am commuters. The train stops at the next station and an irritable bloke outside shouts, 'move down the carriage, there is plenty of space.' What do we do being typically British? Absolutely nothing of course.
When I am not working 9-5, my other part-time job is being a leaning post - said no one. Yet, I am astonished how many underground commuters mistake me for a shiny, metal inanimate object.
Getting Close and Personal with the Floor
It's also blatantly not a tube journey unless you face-plant the floor, while dragging the stranger down at the side of you to save yourself. Just me? Ok, we'll move on...
I am not sure who I have it in for the most; people who lean on you or people lean on the entire central pole. The rest of the poor travellers are left like Bambi on ice with nothing to hold on to. Sometimes, I feel like slapping them but then remember that it's illegal and I'm also not brave enough.
Don't Lean on the Closing Doors
In theory, I can see both sides of this. In commuters defence, we can't move to even scratch our nose while the driver can do a few cheeky star jumps in his mini cabin and not be wedged against the doors. On the flip side, after three attempts of trying to close them, people should really think about MINDING THE FLIPPING DOORS.
So there you go! Now you know what to expect and while I really haven't done well in selling the London Underground to you, it's worth mentioning that it is the most efficient way of getting around the capital. It's also kind of nice to see that others share your Monday morning misery, after work couch potato state and weekend antics. Maybe I wouldn't have it any other way. Maybe.